For the Loss...

The past couple of months have just been.... good and bad. Crazy, to say the least. Before Easter I got a cool new tattoo that ended up getting infected... (NOT the tat artist's fault!)... my son came in with dirt covered hands and touched it. THEN, I had to take meds for early signs of Bell's Palsy, I hurt an old injury in my lower back. Right after all of this, my parents sold their house to move out here to be with us... my dad fell off the moving truck, knocking himself out for who knows how long. He had temporary amnesia with it as well. They went ahead with the trip, made it out to Tulsa from NC when dad finally gave in and asked to go to the local ER because he could hear something crunching or rubbing when he moved a certain way. Turns out that the hospital in NC didn't catch that he had 3 CRACKED RIBS!!!! They even did x-rays and missed this. So with him traveling, it ended up puncturing his lung. So, now they are settled in out here for the most part and last week he goes into the ER for pressure in his chest. He had a heart attack a few days before and didn't realize it. He had 2 stints put in for an 80% and 100% blockages. AND... the Sunday before that happened, our beloved Beagle crossed the rainbow bridge. She was around 12 or 13 years old... not exactly sure since she was a rescue and they were guestimating by looking at her teeth when we first adopted her when she was around a year old. 

I had to be strong for my family during all of this and this past Sunday, which marked a week that our beagle has been one, my strength finally crumbled in on me. Stress of any sort takes a toll on my guts and boy has it this past week and a half. Sometimes I feel like there is no one to be strong for me.... so I drowned myself in geek stuff so I don't have to feel anymore. 

Therapeutic I guess...

This may seem Rantish, but, I just need to write. I feel like I can't talk to anyone who would understand what I'm meaning, so I'm writing it here as it always makes me feel better to get it off my chest.
I don't mean it as a rant. I really don't. It's just.... Ramblings.

So,... Mother's Day is coming up.... lots of feelings come with each holiday for me. The only Holiday I really get excited about is Halloween,... simply because you can dress up as pretty much anything and go out in public and No one cares. Do it any other day and you get slanted looks. I've tried. PLUS, there's no gifts to be bought or people to impress. You can be someone else for the day. (A reason I love Comic Cons, but that's a subject for another day.)

As I said, Mother's Day is coming up. When I was younger, I loved lots of attention.... I was a kid, it's what kids do. Since I'm older, fluffier, slower, .... I honestly don't want anyone's attention that much unless it's my kid's or my hubby's attention. Even then with Mother's Day coming up, it revolves around me being a mom and doing mom things ... and recognition. But to be honest, I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I have a hard time keeping on top of keeping the house cleaned, laundry done, dishes finished... etc. Mostly because of Crohn's, I run out of steam rather quickly.  Heck, I was so sick with my son (during pregnancy) because of this darn disease, that hubby and I decided not to have any more kids .... well, from me, at least. We had discussed adopting someday. As I get older, I'm only 33 but some days I feel like I'm in my 60's,.... I realize I don't want anymore kids. At least not right now. Hubby came home mentioning that he had talked to a co-worker about adoption and their experience and he was all hopeful.... I told him I didn't think I could handle another kid. (Don't get me wrong, I love our son to the ends of the earth and back, but he's a strong willed and stubborn child and sometimes dealing with him takes a lot out of me physically, mentally and emotionally.) Hubby got visibly upset and said "No, I believe you could handle another kid! You are stronger than you think!" .... yeah, but I do know my limits.

As a woman, I feel I have failed my husband to give him more kids.... when we first got married, we planned on having 2 or 3. Because of me, we have only 1. It breaks my heart when my son asks for a sibling. Sometimes it's all I can do not to cry when I'm out in public and see a mom with a boy and a girl walking, talking, enjoying each other's company.  What really saddens me is when I've heard women say "aww Man,... I'm pregnant again. I don't know if I should keep it or not." All I can think is,... "It must be nice to be a baby factory and keep popping them out and unknowingly rub it in my face while I won't be having anymore." Also the fact that there are so many couples like myself and hubby who have health issues who would Love to have children of their own.... while other women sleep around, have multiple "baby daddy's" .... It makes life just seem so much more unfair.

Yes, I am very grateful for what and who I have in my life. I just have days that I feel I am not enough or can't Do enough. Days that I am very hard on myself .... feel like a burden because I'm not able to work and contribute to society like everyone else. It bugs me to hear people complain about their jobs. I wish I could work a job and be able to be counted on to Be there and not have health issues that makes me sick when I stand too long or be sick when I've been out too long. It's extremely frustrating. To hear a loved one or a friend say "Oh, must be nice to stay home and do NOTHING all day".... it's really hurtful. Well, it must be Nice to be able to hold a job, be out of the house, interact with people on a daily basis.

It's even more Frustrating when you Didn't go to college because you thought you'd be coaching figure skating the rest of your life and be in Ministry forever. Neither of which I'm doing now and I trained for many years for. I don't know that I will ever be doing either in the future .... at least not in the near future. :\  I haven't walked away from Christ... I've just been "severely injured on the battle field and not in a place to be able to get back up and at it again." What I'm talking about happened over 2 years ago, but it hurt me so much, I'm stuck on it. I'm having a very difficult time getting past it. Because of it, I lost all confidence in who I am as a person, artist, photographer, minister. That's what happens when you get stabbed in the back and thrown under the bus too many times, but have too giving of a heart to put a stop to it until you are knocked down and Can't get back up.
I've tried to talk about it with hubby, to try to come to some closer for healing,.... but he just gets upset and says "You're still on that?! that was over 2 years ago!" Wounds can go deep and this one goes to the core.

The other day we were visiting the downtown area of a big city,... which was not a pleasant experience due to a stupid bee stinging me in the neck within half an hour of getting there, then no public bathrooms so I could attend to said sting. I now feel guilty for ruining the trip that hubby was so excited about. Anyway, as we were heading back to the car, 2 young Asian girls were talking to each other (while walking along beside us....... big sidewalks) then looking at us, then talking to each other again. One girl finally looked at me and asked if the little boy was my son. I said Yes. She then asked if the man with us was his Father. I said Yes. She then asked if he had any siblings at home. I said No. Now she asked if he is the only child... I said Yes. Then she and the girl give each other weird looks and walk on ahead of us. My hubby looked at me and said "What was THAT about?!" I told him that I figured it was because in China they are only allowed to have 1 (or 2?) child(ren) and it has to be a boy, (so many girls are now being aborted there because of these stupid laws due to over population) and being that we are in America, where we can have 30 kids if we wanted, We only have 1 and a male at that.... it must have blown their minds.
Anyway, we headed back home after such a weird trip.

Some people have grand dreams and goals. I... honestly don't really have any. Mainly because I know I have so many medical bills to pay off, .... I'm drowning and my credit is shot. Thanks again, Crohn's and big pharma.... and because I'm scared to travel with my tummy doing it's weird things. I actually feel too stupid to do any college now. I had something happen to me when I was 15, i passed out, died, whatever... and since then, I have a hard time comprehending certain things, especially Math. I have a difficult time helping my son with his SECOND GRADE math homework, but in my defense, It is that stupid common core crap.  I have never understood what the point is in having so many extra subjects in college if you are going into a field that doesn't even involve that subject. Like .... being a Chiropractor.... naturally you have many years of school... but a lot of those years are pre-recs. Maybe I'm just simple or stupid... but what's the point of SO much pre-recs Before you ever get to your field of study that you want to get into? My fear is that I wouldn't get passed the pre-recs. After my incident when I was 15, I went from testing college level in 9th grade to just barely making a passing grade. I hated high school and couldn't wait for it to be over. I even contemplated dropping out at 16 (the Florida legal age for dropping out at the time) but weighed my options and knew that I was only a few years from graduating and there was no need to throw it all away.  I was homeschooled from 5th -12th grade, graduated and received my diploma.

Now I'm a "Stay at home mom" .... I do sew and make jewelry, but I haven't done much since we moved here to Colorado. I've had other moms stand in front of me at an old church we went to and told me how "insanely Jealous" they were because I got to stay home with my kid 24/7.  Seriously ladies? You have more than one kid and a Job. More than I got. But it looks like no matter what I do or Don't have, there's Always gonna be someone out there jealous. It really boggles my mind that someone would actually be jealous of me. I'm fluffy, have Crohn's, Don't have many teeth left (Again, thank you Crohn's and Prednisone ), Covered in stretch Marks, etc. the list goes on.

But. Whatever. It's easy to be Bitter when you are Broken.

Howdy!

Alot has happened since I last blogged. We've made it to CO, we've been here almost 6 months, our son is liking his new school... we've moved into our own apartment and things are overall doing really well.  I have been doing well with the "Crohn's" with using ONLY cannabis oil Full Spectrum caplets. I believe you could call it Remission. I have yet to see a GI since I've been her, but I'm doing quite well, I will see one in the next while.  

I have started a brand new page on facebook and if you could give me a "FOLLOW" I would really appreciate it!