Slowing it Down

It's a new year! Thank God! Last year was very difficult! So far, things have calmed down for the most part in our lives and therefore the stress levels are coming down. With all that said, the Crohn's is able to calm down as well, which is much needed! With it acting up, I was kept from going to the gym often because of complications that arose. I'm doing much better now and I'm able to finally resume my weight loss journey once again. I had lost 38lbs and was basically in a holding pattern... until now. Phew! I still have 30lbs left until I reach my goal weight. When I can't hit the gym, I have exercises I have printed out and taped up on my closet door. 

If you are wondering what I've done for the weight loss progress, this is it....

Changed my diet:
I now make my sweet tea with 1 family size tea bag and only 1/3 cup of sugar.
  (Originally, I used to make it the southern way.... 2 family size tea bags and 1 1/3 cups of sugar! Yikes!) 

I researched the ingredients in the take out places I frequented ... I found out that just about everything that I loved had MSG or potassium sorbate in it, so it made it easier for me to cut out eating out as often as I did. On occasion, I do have a little bit of take out now and then. Panera Bread has a lot of yummy stuff I can have (basically everything!) but since they are rather pricey, it's a "once in a blue moon" treat. I usually get the half sandwich and cup of soup. (That's still around $12 or so!) In case you are wondering what happens when I have MSG or Potassium Sorbate, I get wicked abdominal cramps and can't stay out of the bathroom for up to 3 days. (Potassium sorbate tends to be found in most Sweet things, like in frostings, sweet flavorings chocolate syrup, muffins, bagels, ... also found in generic brand cream cheese, cottage cheese, etc.)

I stopped eating Junk foods and sweets and replaced it with low fiber/ low carb snacks. (that's a feat in itself,... trying to find low carb/ low fiber foods. Mostly everything that is low carb is High in fiber..... too much fiber and it acts like MSG to me) ... I found I can eat bananas, grapes, avocados, small amounts of dried pineapple, rice cakes, and I also make my own ice cream. (So easy! Mason jar filled half full with heavy whipping cream, 2 teaspoons of sugar, 2 table spoons of cocoa baking powder, a little bit of vanilla (optional),.... then shake until it's thick and then freeze!)


I had gotten a gym membership several months before I really started hitting it hard at the gym. I honestly didn't know how to go about losing the weight at the gym other than walking on the treadmill, which wasn't as fruitful cause I was pushing too  hard and making myself sick. (I was walking too fast for what I could handle at the time and using up all my spoons too fast)... so I talked to my best friend, who had been on a weight loss journey before me. (She's using the Keto diet) .... with changing my diet and working out at the gym, in 1 1/2 months, i lost 20lbs!! If you are wondering what I do at the gym, I started out small... doing 25 lbs on the machines. I have worked up to 30 or 35lbs on some and 60-70lbs on others. I was doing abs, arms, treadmill and legs all at one time, but it was kicking my butt and I was out of spoons before leaving the gym. I talked to other people and they said they do "arm day", "Leg day" and "Cardio day"... so I changed my routine a bit, and now I'm doing much better with it. Still making progress and not wearing myself out in one shot. 

I found out the other day that if I drink some "Breakfast Essentials" before my work out, I don't feel Near as fatigued as I normally do, so I'm adding that to my routine now. 

I found my motivation to start losing the weight after the scare of my husband being in the ER in May or June with a blood clot in his leg. I found Inspiration with Josh Brolin beefing up to be Cable in "Deadpool 2". I thought, "He's my brother's age,.... if he can do it, I can do it!"

I want to encourage anyone out there who thinks they Can't work out or lose weight.... 

YES YOU CAN! You just have to take one step at a time and progress will come!! Even if that means hitting the gym and starting out at 5 lb weights and doing only 10 reps. Keep at it, you will surprise yourself! Eventually, you will move it to 10 lb weights and 20 reps! 
Don't give up because it's hard, Keep going because you've gotten this far! <3 The work will be worth every second!

Back to Selling!

Things are finally starting to calm down around here. We had a rough summer! Hubby in the hospital for a couple of nights, that week his mom passed, 2 weeks later his sister had a stroke... she was in the hospital for about a whole month. My birthday was August 25th, so my cousin treated us (my son and I) to the local comic con. We had a blast at that. On the 27th, his sister who had the stroke came to stay with us for a month so we could help her rehabilitate. (Hubby is a PTA, I'm familiar with Diabetes and care) That was a long tough month. Hubby took her back to NE on our Anniversary weekend. We celebrated 13 years of marriage. I can't believe it's been that long! November will mark 15 years of being together. 

So, with ALL of that said, I have finally found my way back onto ETSY.com where I have some of my hand made items listed.

Click Here ----> ATOMIC CAT CREATIONS ON ETSY <--- to get to my page. I have a lot more to list for sale. 

Here's a custom Mini Canvas Star Trek Painting on etsy I've made!
 CLICK HERE --->  MINI STAR TREK CANVAS PAINTING <----

What a Year

This past year has been filled with a lot of Mixed emotions. My parents moved here, dad had a heart attack, our dog died, my friend has a miscarriage, her best friend and 2 kids were killed in a car wreck the weekend after. I had the flu, it set me back with Crohn's ( I was so sick I didn't take my meds. I couldn't get out of bed.) Hubby's mom has been fighting with cancer for many years and we were told she had 6-12 months, then it became 1 month, but she outlived it by a couple of months. Hubby was in the hospital 2 weekends ago, he got a promotion at work, then got news his sick mom fell, then she passed this Past Saturday. He's been taking care of business for that, I haven't gotten to talk to him more than a few minutes a day..... And I also have the added stress of a comic con in mid August I'm making Merch for. Plus my son has been spazzing out lately and I'm to my wits end lately.

On the flip side, I've been hitting the gym and changed my diet.... I've lost 31lbs so far and still have a little farther to go. My son flips out whenever I go to the gym, I don't get it. I haven't been in the past week and a half due to hubby in the hospital, his mom passing and comic con prep. I feel like I'm trapped in a hole with so much stress. I'm trying my best to not let it get to me, but it's difficult being strong for so many people and myself. Right now I've put myself on auto pilot and not letting myself think of his mom just so I can get through the day and make my stock for the con. Maybe it still hasn't hit me that she's really gone. I feel like I can't talk to anyone, even though I've been there every step of the way for other people in their times of hardship and crisis. They ask "how are you doing?"so I answer, just fine. If anyone really knew me, they would know I'm falling apart inside, but I've gotten good at swallowing it. I feel like I can't talk to hubby cause he's got so much going on with him, that I don't want to stress or burden him. Whenever he calls, I just sit quietly and let him talk and I just say "yeah, ok ".

I guess what I'm flustered at is, .... I'm always there for everyone else, no one is for me.  When I've tried to talk .... They just down play it. Whatever.

For the Loss...

The past couple of months have just been.... good and bad. Crazy, to say the least. Before Easter I got a cool new tattoo that ended up getting infected... (NOT the tat artist's fault!)... my son came in with dirt covered hands and touched it. THEN, I had to take meds for early signs of Bell's Palsy, I hurt an old injury in my lower back. Right after all of this, my parents sold their house to move out here to be with us... my dad fell off the moving truck, knocking himself out for who knows how long. He had temporary amnesia with it as well. They went ahead with the trip, made it out to Tulsa from NC when dad finally gave in and asked to go to the local ER because he could hear something crunching or rubbing when he moved a certain way. Turns out that the hospital in NC didn't catch that he had 3 CRACKED RIBS!!!! They even did x-rays and missed this. So with him traveling, it ended up puncturing his lung. So, now they are settled in out here for the most part and last week he goes into the ER for pressure in his chest. He had a heart attack a few days before and didn't realize it. He had 2 stints put in for an 80% and 100% blockages. AND... the Sunday before that happened, our beloved Beagle crossed the rainbow bridge. She was around 12 or 13 years old... not exactly sure since she was a rescue and they were guestimating by looking at her teeth when we first adopted her when she was around a year old. 

I had to be strong for my family during all of this and this past Sunday, which marked a week that our beagle has been one, my strength finally crumbled in on me. Stress of any sort takes a toll on my guts and boy has it this past week and a half. Sometimes I feel like there is no one to be strong for me.... so I drowned myself in geek stuff so I don't have to feel anymore. 

Therapeutic I guess...

This may seem Rantish, but, I just need to write. I feel like I can't talk to anyone who would understand what I'm meaning, so I'm writing it here as it always makes me feel better to get it off my chest.
I don't mean it as a rant. I really don't. It's just.... Ramblings.

So,... Mother's Day is coming up.... lots of feelings come with each holiday for me. The only Holiday I really get excited about is Halloween,... simply because you can dress up as pretty much anything and go out in public and No one cares. Do it any other day and you get slanted looks. I've tried. PLUS, there's no gifts to be bought or people to impress. You can be someone else for the day. (A reason I love Comic Cons, but that's a subject for another day.)

As I said, Mother's Day is coming up. When I was younger, I loved lots of attention.... I was a kid, it's what kids do. Since I'm older, fluffier, slower, .... I honestly don't want anyone's attention that much unless it's my kid's or my hubby's attention. Even then with Mother's Day coming up, it revolves around me being a mom and doing mom things ... and recognition. But to be honest, I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I have a hard time keeping on top of keeping the house cleaned, laundry done, dishes finished... etc. Mostly because of Crohn's, I run out of steam rather quickly.  Heck, I was so sick with my son (during pregnancy) because of this darn disease, that hubby and I decided not to have any more kids .... well, from me, at least. We had discussed adopting someday. As I get older, I'm only 33 but some days I feel like I'm in my 60's,.... I realize I don't want anymore kids. At least not right now. Hubby came home mentioning that he had talked to a co-worker about adoption and their experience and he was all hopeful.... I told him I didn't think I could handle another kid. (Don't get me wrong, I love our son to the ends of the earth and back, but he's a strong willed and stubborn child and sometimes dealing with him takes a lot out of me physically, mentally and emotionally.) Hubby got visibly upset and said "No, I believe you could handle another kid! You are stronger than you think!" .... yeah, but I do know my limits.

As a woman, I feel I have failed my husband to give him more kids.... when we first got married, we planned on having 2 or 3. Because of me, we have only 1. It breaks my heart when my son asks for a sibling. Sometimes it's all I can do not to cry when I'm out in public and see a mom with a boy and a girl walking, talking, enjoying each other's company.  What really saddens me is when I've heard women say "aww Man,... I'm pregnant again. I don't know if I should keep it or not." All I can think is,... "It must be nice to be a baby factory and keep popping them out and unknowingly rub it in my face while I won't be having anymore." Also the fact that there are so many couples like myself and hubby who have health issues who would Love to have children of their own.... while other women sleep around, have multiple "baby daddy's" .... It makes life just seem so much more unfair.

Yes, I am very grateful for what and who I have in my life. I just have days that I feel I am not enough or can't Do enough. Days that I am very hard on myself .... feel like a burden because I'm not able to work and contribute to society like everyone else. It bugs me to hear people complain about their jobs. I wish I could work a job and be able to be counted on to Be there and not have health issues that makes me sick when I stand too long or be sick when I've been out too long. It's extremely frustrating. To hear a loved one or a friend say "Oh, must be nice to stay home and do NOTHING all day".... it's really hurtful. Well, it must be Nice to be able to hold a job, be out of the house, interact with people on a daily basis.

It's even more Frustrating when you Didn't go to college because you thought you'd be coaching figure skating the rest of your life and be in Ministry forever. Neither of which I'm doing now and I trained for many years for. I don't know that I will ever be doing either in the future .... at least not in the near future. :\  I haven't walked away from Christ... I've just been "severely injured on the battle field and not in a place to be able to get back up and at it again." What I'm talking about happened over 2 years ago, but it hurt me so much, I'm stuck on it. I'm having a very difficult time getting past it. Because of it, I lost all confidence in who I am as a person, artist, photographer, minister. That's what happens when you get stabbed in the back and thrown under the bus too many times, but have too giving of a heart to put a stop to it until you are knocked down and Can't get back up.
I've tried to talk about it with hubby, to try to come to some closer for healing,.... but he just gets upset and says "You're still on that?! that was over 2 years ago!" Wounds can go deep and this one goes to the core.

The other day we were visiting the downtown area of a big city,... which was not a pleasant experience due to a stupid bee stinging me in the neck within half an hour of getting there, then no public bathrooms so I could attend to said sting. I now feel guilty for ruining the trip that hubby was so excited about. Anyway, as we were heading back to the car, 2 young Asian girls were talking to each other (while walking along beside us....... big sidewalks) then looking at us, then talking to each other again. One girl finally looked at me and asked if the little boy was my son. I said Yes. She then asked if the man with us was his Father. I said Yes. She then asked if he had any siblings at home. I said No. Now she asked if he is the only child... I said Yes. Then she and the girl give each other weird looks and walk on ahead of us. My hubby looked at me and said "What was THAT about?!" I told him that I figured it was because in China they are only allowed to have 1 (or 2?) child(ren) and it has to be a boy, (so many girls are now being aborted there because of these stupid laws due to over population) and being that we are in America, where we can have 30 kids if we wanted, We only have 1 and a male at that.... it must have blown their minds.
Anyway, we headed back home after such a weird trip.

Some people have grand dreams and goals. I... honestly don't really have any. Mainly because I know I have so many medical bills to pay off, .... I'm drowning and my credit is shot. Thanks again, Crohn's and big pharma.... and because I'm scared to travel with my tummy doing it's weird things. I actually feel too stupid to do any college now. I had something happen to me when I was 15, i passed out, died, whatever... and since then, I have a hard time comprehending certain things, especially Math. I have a difficult time helping my son with his SECOND GRADE math homework, but in my defense, It is that stupid common core crap.  I have never understood what the point is in having so many extra subjects in college if you are going into a field that doesn't even involve that subject. Like .... being a Chiropractor.... naturally you have many years of school... but a lot of those years are pre-recs. Maybe I'm just simple or stupid... but what's the point of SO much pre-recs Before you ever get to your field of study that you want to get into? My fear is that I wouldn't get passed the pre-recs. After my incident when I was 15, I went from testing college level in 9th grade to just barely making a passing grade. I hated high school and couldn't wait for it to be over. I even contemplated dropping out at 16 (the Florida legal age for dropping out at the time) but weighed my options and knew that I was only a few years from graduating and there was no need to throw it all away.  I was homeschooled from 5th -12th grade, graduated and received my diploma.

Now I'm a "Stay at home mom" .... I do sew and make jewelry, but I haven't done much since we moved here to Colorado. I've had other moms stand in front of me at an old church we went to and told me how "insanely Jealous" they were because I got to stay home with my kid 24/7.  Seriously ladies? You have more than one kid and a Job. More than I got. But it looks like no matter what I do or Don't have, there's Always gonna be someone out there jealous. It really boggles my mind that someone would actually be jealous of me. I'm fluffy, have Crohn's, Don't have many teeth left (Again, thank you Crohn's and Prednisone ), Covered in stretch Marks, etc. the list goes on.

But. Whatever. It's easy to be Bitter when you are Broken.

Howdy!

Alot has happened since I last blogged. We've made it to CO, we've been here almost 6 months, our son is liking his new school... we've moved into our own apartment and things are overall doing really well.  I have been doing well with the "Crohn's" with using ONLY cannabis oil Full Spectrum caplets. I believe you could call it Remission. I have yet to see a GI since I've been her, but I'm doing quite well, I will see one in the next while.  

I have started a brand new page on facebook and if you could give me a "FOLLOW" I would really appreciate it!

So what's it like to have Severe Crohn's?

What is it like to have a Chronic illness? Let me give you insight into what it's like to have Severe Crohn's.

It sucks. It sucks because people don't believe that you are sick because they can't "see" the illness. They don't see you suffer... Physically, Mentally, Emotionally. They don't see the painful inflammation in your intestines that causes bloating, upset stomach, gas, ulcers, bleeding, nausea....
They don't see the countless trips to the bathroom,... the anxiety of having to eat and knowing you will feel sick every time because of it.
They don't understand the pain of eating, the stomach cramps, the embarrassment of having to excuse yourself right after a meal because you are nauseous just from consuming food.... of any kind.
They don't understand the feeling of constant urgency and fear of urgency to use the restroom. Imagine when you've had a stomach bug, how you couldn't stay out of the bathroom, ... everything you ate upset your stomach and you felt weak. Imagine this on an Everyday Scale. For the rest of your LIFE.

Now Imagine having to be diagnosed .... meaning many doctors visits, needles prodding and poking you, Doctors "Examining" you.... (more probing) then pressuring you into "Colonoscopies" and medicines that are rather questionable. Now after being diagnosed, you are told this is a DISEASE you will have until you DIE. You will have to Live with it for the Rest of your LIFE. You can't just take some Medicine and it goes away. No.... it stays. You work around it. You explain to people Why you can't go certain places or can't make lunch dates, but they always assume it's because you are blowing them off.... when in reality, you are wore out from doing chores around the house the day before, or you ate something that tore you up the night before and now you are too dehydrated and weak to get out of your bed. It will take several days, if not a Week to recoop. But you have to keep going because it is expected of you.

Imagine what it feels like to not have the energy to play outside with your son and run around catching a ball because you ache constantly and are so exhausted, you have to sit in a chair and watch him play. He is growing up before your eyes and your body has bound you to a quality of life that limits the interaction with your child. How do you tell your child that you can't go to the park because there are no bathrooms? No benches? No place out of the sun? We make sacrifices for our child to see them happy and we plaster a smile on our face like a mask so our child doesn't have to see our suffering. Imagine being so anemic and dehydrated that you can't do anything but Sleep all day, all night.... too weak to go from the couch to the bathroom without passing out. Then you finally end up at the hospital for a week to get a blood transfusion, 20 bags of IV antibiotics due to being almost septic from a fistula that was abscessed because of the Crohn's.

Do you know what it's like to have your child see you so close to death on many occasions that he won't let you out of his sight because he's too afraid that something will happen to you? Do you know what it's like to have an 8 yr old experience that kind of worry?

I have had bowel disease since I was diagnosed at the age of 11. I have been through hell and back ... but no one knows because I just don't tell anyone about it unless they ask and even then, I don't go into too much detail, because their interest is lost. But today, I want to inform people what my life is like. I am only 33 years old and I am on a Chemo Class drug that has the potential for me to get Cancer. Guess what? I have a spot on my arm that I have looked into myself, and I do believe it is a cancer spot after the research I've done. I am at a point in my life that my Quality of life is really SUCKING right now. The Remicade makes me ache, have brain fog, makes me exhausted all the time, among other things. Plus, you have to have constant blood work done to make sure certain levels are fine and not getting unbalanced.

Imagine what it feels like not being able to hold a REAL job and make money to be able to contribute to your family. Imagine racking up thousands of dollars worth of medical bills that in turn brings down your credit score. You begin feeling like a waste of space, a human money pit.... you begin to question the meaning of life since it's quality is so poor at the moment. You daily fight with the feeling of not belonging simply because you feel like crap on a daily basis and people who say they care don't really get it and write you off.

Imagine what it feels like to be trapped in a body that betrays you and your immune system is fighting with you. You have to be put on medicines that ruin your hair if not make it fall out, medicine that makes your teeth rot, your hands rough to the point that No lotion actually helps and your loved ones get scratched when you touch them. Medicine that makes you gain weight, only for people to ask "when are you due?" ... Medicine that damages your eyes,.... your liver.... constant headaches, body aches,..... and all of this Just to keep the "Symptoms" at bay. At Bay.... Not healing it, just ... survivable.

Life is not fun when you are just Surviving. It's a living Torment.

I am sure people have judged me and written me off because of it and I've gotten to the point where I don't care anymore. I have learned that I have to do what I have to do to keep me alive for my son and my husband. My son and my husband need me more than anyone else on this planet and I've come to the place in my life that I finally have to put My health First so I can live to be 70 & 80 years with strength..... I want to see my son grow up. I want to be more active in his life. I don't want to be on the side lines anymore. I want to be a better mom and a better wife. I don't want my son and husband to see me cry from frustration at not being able to do more than I can right now. It's a fight for them as well. They have seen my suffering, they have seen my tears,.... God has heard me cry out to him for help.

This is my life. This is my daily struggle. This is why I need to move to CO so I can ENJOY life again.

I am not going out there to be a "Pot Head". I am going out there to be a Cannabis Refugee. I am going out there to use a plant that GOD created that has multiple healing qualities so that I may Enjoy the life he has given me, Not just merely Survive. I have had enough "Survival" and I'm ready to take back my life... to stop Suffering and to begin Thriving.

"Life"... such a word taken for granted.

And yes.... this was an extremely difficult decision. I will be leaving behind my parents, my brother and his family, a dog, a cat, my son's birth place.... I have been on an emotional roller coaster because of all of this... but this is the best decision for me and my family.
But keep in mind, I am only moving a few states away, not 6 feet under. I am only a phone call away,.... a letter dropped in the mail, a text, a plane ride away.